I Stopped Counting

Time is merely the capacity for change. How things change depends on what happens in that time. Time alone, does not decide.

How long have I been alive? My value of my number has dwindled more and more to the point that I honestly don’t know how old I am off the top of my head unless I calculate dates. I’m more concerned with what I do with this time, how my body feels, how I am being…

Statistics are useful as periodic measurement in order to gauge change and the effects of input, but at some point it distracts from what really matters. It becomes a quantification in concept, parallel to the reality of what is trying to be assessed. Constant obsession over numbers leaves less attention for essentiality—What is the problem? What is the Goal? What fundamental occurrences manifest such outcomes? Am I doing enough? How could it be better?

I stopped weighing myself. How do I look? How do I feel? How may I move? What are the limits of this body?

I’ve lost track of the repetitions. I lift until I can’t.

I sleep when I’m tired. I awake once I’m restored.

I pour the tea when it smells sufficiently rich and the tone is perfect. I can taste it before I take my first sip.

In practicing box breathing, there is a method to calculating how many seconds you should inhale, exhale and hold your breath. But I realize there is a sweet spot for each of these motions which can be felt, so I decided to just pay attention to my body in this practice to get the desired effect.

Instructions are a guide to assist along the path of experience. Mastery forms with familiarity with nuance, developing intuition, beyond the extent that guidance can hold your hand.

I just want to try with everything. I’m focused on doing it better. Flow, activate my muscles fully, go until I’m tired—am I really tired? I can do more. Am I good enough? If I do it right, I will gain and it’s never enough.